Friday, October 22, 2004

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
An Acerbic.Press exclusive

Retailers are pondering the impact that the closely contested and virulently partisan election will have on their Christmas sales this year. Some see opportunity, others fear a weak sales season will result.

One high street retailer is seriously worried. "Look, to the economy an election is much like a war. All those campaign ads consume a lot of money and you get nothing at all for it, except for temporary employment for some campaign people who the rest of the time are probably lobbyists anyway. It's a huge deadweight loss to GDP and it will be sucking money out of Christmas budgets. Besides, no matter who wins roughly half the people in the country are going to be furious, depressed, or both. You think they're going to be in the Christmas spirit?"

Another, in the same block, agrees, but has a different reason. "Much of my business is from people who agree with their spouses not to buy anything for each other, but then who sneak off and get something anyway. The way I figure it, a huge number of households this year will make that sort of agreement over voting, and when they find out they both broke it, there's no way they'll be over the fight by the time Christmas shopping season comes around. They'll still promise not to buy each other anything, of course, but there's no way they'll dare risk breaking that promise twice in two months. Even Americans have memories longer than that."

Not all retailers have such a bleak outlook, of course. I met one at an upscale suburban mall who was quite upbeat. "Yah, some of my friends are telling me those sort of doomsday scenarios, but I'm not buying them. The winners are going to be so happy they celebrate, and except for the real hardcore of the losers, the rest of the country will just be so happy they don't have to listen to any more campaign ads that they'll be looking for any way they can to go out and have a good time."

His co-manager agrees: "Everyone saw how Arnie got in trouble over his speech at the convention. Can you imagine the grief Maria will give him if he actually votes Republican? He'll need to be doing some serious fence mending, and the best way to do that is with some fancy new trinkets, right?"

So there you have it: opinions all over the landscape. Of course, the only poll that really matters is the one we read off the merchants' cash registers.

Brother, can you spare a dime?
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
An Acerbic.Press exclusive

Retailers are pondering the impact that the closely contested and virulently partisan election will have on their Christmas sales this year. Some see opportunity, others fear a weak sales season will result.

One high street retailer is seriously worried. "Look, to the economy an election is much like a war. All those campaign ads consume a lot of money and you get nothing at all for it, except for temporary employment for some campaign people who the rest of the time are probably lobbyists anyway. It's a huge deadweight loss to GDP and it will be sucking money out of Christmas budgets. Besides, no matter who wins roughly half the people in the country are going to be furious, depressed, or both. You think they're going to be in the Christmas spirit?"

Another, in the same block, agrees, but has a different reason. "Much of my business is from people who agree with their spouses not to buy anything for each other, but then who sneak off and get something anyway. The way I figure it, a huge number of households this year will make that sort of agreement over voting, and when they find out they both broke it, there's no way they'll be over the fight by the time Christmas shopping season comes around. They'll still promise not to buy each other anything, of course, but there's no way they'll dare risk breaking that promise twice in two months. Even Americans have memories longer than that."

Not all retailers have such a bleak outlook, of course. I met one at an upscale suburban mall who was quite upbeat. "Yah, some of my friends are telling me those sort of doomsday scenarios, but I'm not buying them. The winners are going to be so happy they celebrate, and except for the real hardcore of the losers, the rest of the country will just be so happy they don't have to listen to any more campaign ads that they'll be looking for any way they can to go out and have a good time."

His co-manager agrees: "Everyone saw how Arnie got in trouble over his speech at the convention. Can you imagine the grief Maria will give him if he actually votes Republican? He'll need to be doing some serious fence mending, and the best way to do that is with some fancy new trinkets, right?"

So there you have it: opinions all over the landscape. Of course, the only poll that really matters is the one we read off the merchants' cash registers.

Brother, can you spare a dime?

Friday, March 15, 2002

Acerbic.Press has moved!

There's a new site, a new look and new technology, but the content should be more of the same.
Down for the count?
an Acerbic.Press exclusive

A weary looking Arthur Andersen executive today fielded questions from reporters about the latest scandal to break on the beleagured accounting firm.

In the wake of Justice Department charges for obstructing justice, it was revealed today that Andersen had been the auditor for the Zimbabwean presidential election, and had stated that the results were correct according to generally accepted accounting principles.

Immediately following the announcement, several lawyers filed class action lawsuits on behalf of Zimbabwean voters, claiming that the continuing rule of Mugabe would damage their clients' economic prospects and demanding that Andersen auditors assets be frozen to indemnify the voters.

One lawyer said that he expected the case to be quite easy to win, noting that most lawsuits involved loss of assets, but it was an order of magnitude greater a failure to fail in auditing duties that resulted in the loss of an entire country.

In related news, 25 Andersen partners from the Houston office today broke through the gates of the Malasian embassy, demanding political asylum and claiming that they felt their lives were at risk if they stayed in the United States. It was unclear whether their petition would be granted. A State Department spokesman said that he did not feel they qualified as political refugees, and were merely hoping to become economic migrants.

Wednesday, March 13, 2002

No tanks for the memories
Steel behemoths play a psychological role in many of the world's sadder moments

It is a David and Goliath moment. A civilian, carrying a rocket-propelled grenade launcher, or a molotov coctail, or merely with open hands, faces a 70 ton mechanized monster lumbering down the street.

Tanks fascinate press photographers. During the Prague Spring of 1968, or at Tiananmen Square, photographers' lenses are attracted to them as bees to honey. They have the world's largest high velocity guns; the newest tanks fire rounds nearly 5 inches in diameter. They loom over anyone outside them. They crush roads, medians, protestors into dust or paste. The contrast between huge mechanical monster and frail human is too compelling to miss.

Our experiences have taught us that tanks are the ultimate symbol of an intent to use power as authority. Their appearance usually heralds a crackdown, and we expect arrests, trials, disappearances to follow. They are intended to intimidate, by projecting a sense of such overwhelming power that any sane person would conclude that it's pointless to resist.

There is an excellent military reason for using them. By their very nature, they protect the soldiers in them from anything they are likely to face. This also increases their hulking menace, and makes whoever they are arrayed against, no matter how they may otherwise be percieved, look like underdogs. Using tanks is not a technique intended to win over minds and hearts.

Now the tanks have come to Ramallah. The circumstances aren't exactly the same, certainly. Tanks have been in and out of the occupied territories for months or years. The current incursion has crossed a new threshhold in blatancy, however, with numbers in the hundreds. Their placement, guarding strategic intersections, is reminiscent of scenes from Eastern Europe 40 years ago.

Tanks deliver a message. "We are so powerful you cannot resist us," they say, "and we will do with you as we wish." There are those in Israel and here in the United States who hope that that message will be understood. There are others who hope that it won't, and a stronger message has to be delivered.

This may be a turning point for Israel. Uncertain how they wished to proceed, they have vacillated between ignoring the territories and acting as riot police. They have the opportunity, now, to act as conquerors. If that's not what they want, the psychological impact of their tanks will never be regained.
For the three or four of you who read this

The intermittent availability of the otherwise wonderful blogspot has convinced me that I need to find a new home. There are also some ideas I'm playing with about redesigning the format of the site, which I will be trying to incorporate at the same time. Since at my current position, the web publishing learning curve is essentially vertical, it will take a bit of time to do this. Look for a newer (IMO) better site with better uptime, but please be patient.

In the meantime, ponder the patience of this poor man.

Tuesday, March 12, 2002

Somalia Savings & Loan
Neo-imperialism, foreign aid or good business?

In the aftermath of 9/11, one of the actions taken by the US government, as part of its attempt to starve al-Qaeda of money, was to shut down the Somalian overseas banking network al-Barakaat.

Given the murky nature of terrorist organization funding, and the dearth of information available to the public on these flows, it may be a long time before history can determine whether the measure was useful or not. What was immediately obvious, however, is that shutting down al-Barakaat took away the channel that many expatriate Somali citizens used to send money they earned in the US back to their families in Africa. As a result, some Somali's have had a thin 6 months.

The government of Somalia, such as it is, has asked the U.S. to consider loosening this restriction, and suggested that a United States bank should take over al-Barakaat operations. This has some intriguing possibilities.

We shouldn't discount the hurdles involved. The U.S. has a less than stellar record of success in Somalia, and conditions over there aren't far removed from anarchy. It's possible that this could result in a U.S. takeover of a snake pit, where Somali's claim that anything that goes wrong is our fault. Even if the offer is real, we could still find that maintaining any kind of organization in Somalia is impossible due to local conditions. Some kind of tax credit to the U.S. company that takes on the chore may be necessary to make it feasible.

Nevertheless, there may be some advantages for us. It would serve to reduce the hardship on ordinary Somalis while preserving our ability to track and stop terrorist money. It would also tend to increase our focus on this rather benighted part of the world, since the government can pull resources out at will as conditions elsewhere in the world dictate, but a company with a presence there would presumably be there for the long term.

A stable U.S. company presence there would provide inflows to the local economy, helping to improve conditions and lead to further growth. Last, Somali exposure to U.S. firms and people, may, if properly managed, lead to an improved local image of the U.S. over time.

Africa is, and will for some time remain, a black hole where development efforts are concerned. That is not a reason to avoid trying any that appear reasonable. Somalia may never be a major ally, but we can't possibly be hurt by having friends, wherever they are.
Proxy Armies in Iran
Barbie more harmful than missiles?

Without going through boot camp, Barbie and Ken have gone off to war, trying to win over the hearts and minds of Iran's young girls. The campaign seems to be having some success, both because the dolls are popular and because the Iranian government has felt compelled to develop Dara and Sara, a toyland equivalent for the local Militia.

This story encapsulates two threads which I think we must constantly remind ourselves of, as we ponder how to end terrorism and improve our relationships with other less developed countries:

- Given free choice, people almost everywhere will buy our products, because they like them.

- We ought to be targeting the young in our attempts to sell ourselves, because it's quite likely that the adult generations have made up their minds beyond changing. With them, the best we can hope for is a state of mostly peaceful coexistence, not truly friendship.
Tiny Turnout
an Acerbic.Press exclusive

Today is the statewide primary in Texas, but attendence is expected to be even smaller than normal.

In a novel experiment at increasing awareness of what they were voting on, both parties are requiring voters to take a short quiz on issues and candidates before they are allowed to cast their ballot. The test, which is for informational purposes only, does not prevent people from voting in the primary. However, the experiment is not working out as they had hoped.

The test, which includes questions like "Who is the current Governor?" and "Which party is most likely to support tougher environmental policies?" has caused many potential voters to turn away.

A Republican Party spokesman said "We really hoped that people would take this opportunity to study up a bit and become more aware voters. However, many of them seem instead to be angry that we are questioning them. They seem to feel that we're trying to make them feel stupid, which of course was not our intention at all."

A polling official from the Democratic Party agreed. "One person told me that if this was going to continue, he'd just buy a few legislators instead of trying to vote for new ones. Another couple said that the questions on the test were biased against average voters, and that they intended to file suit against us for violating their civil rights."

Monday, March 11, 2002

Always nice to hear an expert opinion

After reading The Nation's explanation of why the newest Star Trek derivative, Enterprise, is racist, sexist, dehumanizing, fattening and the cause of ring around the collar, I can only say that I'm glad to have the error of my ways pointed out so well. To think that I actually liked the show...
A fellow traveller

Those of you who had some doubts about the accuracy of my recent stories on the Internet nation and the formation of Dufassa may be reassured, or perhaps horrified, by this.
Give them The Chair
an Acerbic.Press exclusive

John McEnroe's late and unlamented ABC game show, The Chair, left the air recently after a short run. While most have assumed that the show was cancelled because of terrible ratings, the truth is more chilling.

According to an executive associated with the news show Nightline, the entire series was secretly funded by the CIA, who use videotapes of the episodes as part of their interrogation technique on suspected terrorists.

"Orignially they started with Nightline, but found that, while effective, that method required quite a bit of time. So they started looking for something faster. The Chair was the result."

The CIA found that The Chair was actually so effective that 97% of suspects began talking after watching only 2 shows, so they withdrew funding, killing the show.
Fussy feeders
an Acerbic.Press exclusive

The National Institutes of Health announced today that infants exposed to high levels of televison in utero often exhibit withdrawl symptoms after birth.

In particular, the babies, who became accustomed to a rapidly changing visual and audible environment, seem to have a short attention span, so that they lose interest in feeding. As a result, their weight gains are substantially below norms. They are also noted to have irregular clenching motions in their hands, as if they were attempting to operate a remote.

This collection of traits has been given the name Multi-Processing Disorder, or MPD, since it seems to result from previously undetected changes in the unborn's nervous system which enhance future ability to keep track of multiple programs at once.

To prevent this condition, NHS is recommending that pregnant women should limit their TV viewing to no more than 2 hours a day, and should absolutely avoid usage of Picture Within Picture (PIP) technology. If this limitation cannot be maintained, other protective measures must be taken, including but not limited to ensuring that there is heavy, opaque cloth over the abdomen, and listening to the set using earphones.

Mothers whos children already exhibit the syndrome are encouraged to keep their child's interest up during feeding by regularly moving the child from one breast to the other, or by using multiple bottles, possibly with different fluids.

In recognition of the serious nature of the syndrome, some commercial products to help are beginning to reach market. These include the Quick Change Baby Breast Cover, a set of soft fabric cones in a variety of colors and textures designed to be placed over the breast with the nipple protruding, to provide variable stimuation to the baby's senses while feeding, and the Infobottle, a feeding system incorporating a small LCD TV into the side of a standard bottle, which can be watched while feeding.
Chickens to the barricades
an Acerbic.Press exclusive

In what could prove to be the first skirmish in a looming trade war, chickens gathered today in many Russian ports to block the unloading of chicken from America.

Although it was denied by both governments, some of the protesting chickens said that they were motivated by the recent U.S. decision to impose tariffs on Russian (and other) steel imports.

A spokesman for the chickens, named 'Pullet' said "All this steel is beginning to stack up here on the docks. It will provide all the material we could ask for to construct barricades with. Although the cheap American chickens flooding into our country have been unfairly damaging our own chicken growth, we, as the defenders and with strong positions behind our piles of steel, expect to have no difficulty repulsing the invaders."

He added, "Our local chickens are anyway stronger and more hardy than those American chickens which have been drenched in antibiotics since the day they cracked shell, and are subject to rampant outbreaks of Salmonella."

The spokesman concluded with what is quickly becoming the chickens' rallying cry: "We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender." When it was pointed out that the chickens were directly plagarizing from a famous speech, he replied, "What do I know? I'm only a chicken; but I'm a chicken with a mission."

Russia has been the world's largest importer of American chicken, buying as much as $800m worth every year.

Sunday, March 10, 2002

Weekly World Wrap

The world this week is a summary of the world's main events provided as a free service each week as email by The Economist.
Sign up at http://www.economist.com

Additional commentary by Acerbic.Press

A HOT BATTLE

Eight American soldiers died and 40 were wounded in the fiercest battle of the war in AFGHANISTAN. About 1,000 Americans, together with Afghan forces, came under heavy fire in their search for al-Qaeda and Taliban fighters in mountains near Gardez. In Kabul, three Danish and two German peacekeepers were killed while dismantling a missile.

The assault, and the resulting casualties, stoked back up the war of words involving both those who see Afghanistan as a slippery slope to another Viet Nam, and those who think that our next step ought to be an invasion of Iraq. Concerns were also raised over whether the U.S. has sufficient military forces to commit them everywhere they would be useful. People are again looking eagerly at redeploying troops remaining in Europe.


The death toll in Hindu-Muslim clashes in the western Indian state of GUJARAT rose to more than 600.

If there's anything good about this, it may be that internal conflicts within India will help to continue taking the focus off tensions in Kashmir. India is highly unlikely to have a nuclear war with itself.


CHINA'S National People's Congress was informed that welfare spending would increase by 28% to combat the effects of unemployment caused by the country's membership of the World Trade Organisation.

Massive numbers of workers will indeed be turfed out if the country's large and largely bankrupt state run companies finally are put to a well-deserved death. China already has a significant unemployment problem due to peasants leaving the country and hoping to find something in the growing zones, which this will acerbate in the short term. However, without economic development resulting from redeployment of labor and captial, it's doubtful that China's economic growth rate can ever hope to keep up with its demographic one. The prospect of the world's largest country going through an Argentina-like crisis is frightening.

Senior NORTH KOREAN officials visited the European Union's headquarters in Brussels on a fact-finding mission. They were briefed on the EU's economic, industrial and trade policies. Observers pondered the significance of representatives of the "axis of evil" casting an eye over Europe's efforts at political and economic union.

N.K. knows it's on America's bad list. Best second choice is to build some bridges to the Europeans. If there's going to be a global trade war, better to be in one of the larger camps than out in the cold by yourself. Perhaps they can sell some missles to the E.U.'s vaporware military force.

INDIA'S Supreme Court sentenced Arundhati Roy, a prize-winning novelist, to a day in prison for "lowering the court's dignity". She has been campaigning against huge dam-building schemes in the country.

How can you lower the dignity of a body that will convict you of lowering its dignity?

Tommy Suharto, son of INDONESIA's former dictator, was charged with murder.

Lesson: If you made your money because of political connections that evaporated, move somewhere that hasn't signed an extradition agreement.

VIOLENCE AS USUAL

VIOLENCE of all kinds spiralled in Israel, the West Bank and Gaza claiming the lives of more than 70 Palestinians and over 30 Israelis. Many of the victims, on both sides, were children.

The mantra for both sides right now seems to be that the best way to end violence is to increase it. Who woulda thunk?

Although SYRIA gave its backing to Saudi Arabia's call for all Arab countries to normalise ties with Israel if it returned to its 1967 borders, it clouded the issue by insisting that the plan also guaranteed the right of return of Palestinian refugees.

The Palestinians are already exercising their right to return insults, rocks, bullets and even an occasional whistful request for restraint. What's Syria's holdup?

IRAN'S reformist parliament approved the outline of a bill banning the use of physical and psychological torture to gain information from detainees. The bill still faces many hurdles.

The Iranian clerical court, which rules against essentially any measure that might introduce a scent of liberalism, has been practicing cheers in which they form human pyramids, just to increase the height of the hurdles.

As ZIMBABWE prepared for its presidential election this weekend, the opposition contested in court Robert Mugabe's bid to reintroduce restrictive legislative laws that the Supreme Court had thrown out last week. Commonwealth leaders, meeting in Australia, decided to delay a decision on Zimbabwe's suspension from the organisation until after the election.

Hoping against hope that Mugabe will be defeated, and will leave, so they don't have to actually take any action that might be taken against them some other time.

The stalled peace talks between CONGO'S internal warring factions resumed in the South African resort of Sun City after a compromise was reached on the size of delegations. None of the foreign armies still in Congo is represented at the talks.

Meanwhile, the negotiatiors get to stay around the resort and have some fun. We hope that their meetings around the pool are more civil than the ones occuring between rival forces in the African jungles.

African mediators flew to MADAGASCAR to try to end the stand-off between the incumbent president and the new self-declared one. The country now has two governments and two capitals.

But still only one population to pay taxes.

THE PRICE OF VICTORY

For the first time, prominent Democrats in Congress raised questions about the conduct of the United States' WAR ON TERROR. Republicans attacked them for their lack of patriotism. Meanwhile, to the fury of the Democrats, the new homeland-security chief, Tom Ridge, refused to appear before Congress to explain his $38 billion budget in the next fiscal year. Mr Ridge maintained that he was an adviser to the president rather than a cabinet officer answerable to Congress.

Most people in business complain because they feel that they have accountability without authority. Tom's solved that problem. No statutory responsibility, no statutory authority, still get paid. I feel secure, knowing someone smart enough to pull that off is on the case.

CALIFORNIA'S Republican primary was won by Bill Simon, a conservative newcomer to politics who comfortably beat Richard Riordan, a former mayor of Los Angeles.

Is California getting more conservative, or did they finally figure out they didn't want to claim L.A.?

There was enough evidence to press criminal charges against BILL CLINTON over his lies about his relations with Monica Lewinsky, according to a report by Robert Ray, an independent counsel. But, on his penultimate day in office, Mr Clinton's lawyers cut a deal to spare him from criminal prosecution--with Mr Ray.

It's been a year and a half. There's nothing else we could talk about here?

SWISS JOIN THE WORLD

The SWISS agreed in a referendum to join the United Nations. Doubters worried that Switzerland's famed neutrality might be compromised.

Not as long as being neutral still pays well.

Boris Berezovsky, one of RUSSIA'S richest men, who is in exile because of fraud charges he faces back home, accused the Russian security services of blowing up blocks of flats in Moscow and elsewhere in 1999. He claimed that the bombings were a pretext for the prime minister of the day, Vladimir Putin, now Russia's president, to relaunch an election-winning war against rebel Chechnya.

Sounds like Boris has a promising future writing attack political ads. It doesn't look like he'll ever need the money, but it's nice to know you have a fallback career if the need arises. Is he practicing for the next Russian presidential election?

The MONT BLANC TUNNEL, linking France and Italy, was set to reopen nearly three years after a fire killed 39 people.

French wine flows south, Italian political serial comedy flows north, both countries benefit. Look for an improvement in the E.U. aggregate economy.

KOSOVO'S legislative assembly elected Ibrahim Rugova as president after a deal had been struck between rival ethnic-Albanian parties to share power in the UN-administered province.

A bright spot. Is it possible, occasionally, to successfully build a nation? Even if it's a tiny splinter of what once was a successful nation?

MACEDONIAN POLICE killed seven men accused by the authorities of planning a terrorist attack on the American and other western embassies in the capital, Skopje. Five of the dead were said to come from Pakistan or the Middle East.

Terrorism, like the Hydra, grows two new heads for each one that's cut off. The price of freedom remains, as always, eternal vigilance.

ARGENTINA CUTS BACK

In ARGENTINA, President Eduardo Duhalde won a breathing-space: Congress approved a budget with cuts of 14% over last year's spending and provincial governors agreed on a temporary cut in revenue transfers. But the measures seemed unlikely to impress an IMF mission that arrived in Buenos Aires to start talks on a new loan agreement.

Last year's budget was the final straw that got them into this mess to begin with. A 14% cut may, barely, get them to a point where they can work their way out of it. But they don't have what one would call a good track record on implementing reforms they know they need. We'll see.

Roberto Madrazo, a former state governor of flexible views, was proclaimed the winner of an election for the presidency of MEXICO'S Institutional Revolutionary Party, the largest opposition party. The election was marked by claims of fraud.

Vicente Fox won an historic victory in elevating to the presidency a party other than the PRI. However, he's not worked any miracles since then, and one of the biggest things he might have delivered, an American amnesty for illegal aliens from Mexico and Central America, is probably DOA since 9/11. Will there be a letdown backlash that brings the PRI back to power, much as some of the former communist parties in Eastern Europe are returning (albeit in new socialist clothing)? Probably, but the PRI won't be quite the same after being in opposition, and that's progress, if not nirvana.

In COLOMBIA, a senator was murdered days before a congressional election. Police blamed her killing on the FARC guerrillas. Meanwhile, the American State Department reported that Colombia's human-rights record remained "poor" and that the army officers continued to collaborate with right-wing paramilitaries.

Best way to solve Colombia's problems? Legalize and regulate the drug traffic. Kill the profit margins. Chances? Zero.

STEELY IN MARCH

The United States whacked tariffs of up to 30% for three years on most STEEL IMPORTS from many of the world's biggest producers, who greeted the move with outrage. America was accused of setting back the cause of free trade; the EU promised an immediate complaint to the WTO; and commentators predicted a trade war. America insisted that its action
was warranted and necessary.

Trade war beckons? My doomsday scenario: tit-for-tat tariffs, global economic depression, demogogic and charismatic nationalistic leaders, world war. Wait, we did that already.

AMERICA'S STOCKMARKETS perked up after recent signs of economic
recovery. The Dow Jones Industrial Average rose several percentage points to hit its highest level for some months before slipping back. The tech-heavy Nasdaq also made useful gains.

The economy is recovering. The stock market is getting ahead of itself. Roll your dice and pick. Best defense: diversify, and keep your job skills current. There's rarely a shortage of need for competence.

AMERICA'S CAR MAKERS saw sales slip by 3.5% in February compared with a year ago. However, expectations were exceeded, partly because the economy is picking up and certainly because of a 0% finance deal. General Motors was happiest; sales improved a modest 0.4% while Ford and DaimlerChrysler both saw drops of 11%.

Be patriotic, buy an SUV. Expect to pay a few bucks more, tho. Steel prices are on the rise.

On the surface, things look bad for FORMICA. The plastic-laminate company filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection to allow time to wipe clean its debt problems. It is unlikely to repeat its success of yesteryear when plastic-clad interiors were considered the height of good taste.

They should look overseas. There's a huge market for new construction in Afghanistan.

Divorced mother of four Suzy Wetlaufer, 42, was urged by colleagues to resign from the editorship of the highly-regarded HARVARD BUSINESS REVIEW after it emerged that an interview she had conducted with "Neutron" Jack Welch, 66, had become overly in-depth, leading to a romantic entanglement. The article did not appear in print; Miss Wetlaufer admitted that she had got "too close" to her subject.

So what's the HBR's problem here? Are they worried about her ability to guarantee objectivity, or do they just not like Jack?

CALLED TO ACCOUNT

Stung by the Enron scandal, President George Bush drew up a
far-reaching plan to extend REGULATION OF THE ACCOUNTING INDUSTRY and toughen up the penalties for wrongdoing. Among the proposals: CEOs will have to swear by their financial statements each quarter.

Immediately elevating them to the moral level of politicians making campaign promises.

ANDERSEN'S tribulations showed no sign of abating. The deeply wounded accountants agreed to pay $217m to settle litigation resulting from an audit of Baptist Foundation of Arizona, a non-profit investment fund that collapsed in 1999; it operated like a pyramid scheme under Andersen's nose. Andersen admitted no culpability.

Accenture, formerly Andersen Consulting, partners must be thanking the fates each night that Andersen insisted in legal agreement over their split that Accenture stop using the Andersen name.

FREDDIE MAC, America's mortgage-guarantee agency, gave Andersen the chop as its auditor. MERCK praised Andersen for its "excellent auditing services"; unfortunately in an announcement that the drug giant would also dismiss the troubled bean counter.

That Merck praise will look really good on Andersen's resume as it goes hunting for new work.

A war of words between CELERA GENOMICS and the publicly funded HUMAN GENOME PROJECT continued. A research paper by HGP came close to accusing Celera of cheating on the assembly of its version of the human genome, published a year ago. Celera mounted a vigorous denial, pointing out numerous errors in the paper.

Next up to the Supreme Court: who owns the essence of being human? Following that: how can they collect from those of us who are benefiting from that information without paying license fees?
George on George
an Acerbic.Press exclusive

George Washington is in town for a few weeks, and he was kind enough to give Acerbic.Press an interview.

Acerbic.Press: Mr. Washington, it's been a while since anyone talked to you. How have you been doing?

George Washington: Please call me George. Well, after lying around for all those years, I'm a bit stiff, but I'm not complaining.

AP: (laughs) I imagine not, sir. Well, George, you've had a bit of a chance to look around. What do you see as the major differences in the political scene from 200-plus years ago?

GW: I think the biggest difference is that there are so many more people involved. It may not seem that way, with the decline in voting, but I'm thinking more of the people who are deeply involved with the process in some other way, like supporting a lobbying organization of some sort, or posting their own political thoughts on this Internet thing.

AP: Why do you think that's happened, George?

GW: More free time, mostly. Back when I was active, it took so much effort to just do the daily chores that people were too tired to think about politics unless it was really a major deal for them. Now, there's enough leisure here that people can stir up controversy or push a viewpoint even if it's not a life and death thing. That's not true everywhere, of course. Over in the Middle East, living conditions are in many ways as primitive as they were here in the 18th century. That's why the activists are all either well to do figures or religious zealots. They've got the money for leisure time or they're so consumed they make time that ought to be going to improving their own lives.

AP: I see. What about the domestic political scene?

GW: We tried. We really, really tried. We had a vision of well qualified legislators and executives who looked after the people's interests, and we never intended that they get locked into a party system that mostly seems to want to propagate itself rather than accomplish any fundamental improvement. Our best just wasn't good enough, sorry. Can we talk about something else?

AP: Any advice for the current President, George W. Bush?

GW: It's an impossible job that you're doing OK at, given the circumstances. Pay a bit more attention to what's good for the country and a bit less to what's good for the party. And remember, it's really hard to be as bad as Warren Harding.

AP: Thank you, Mr. President

GW: You're welcome.

[The famous Gilbert Stewart 1796 painting of Washington is in Houston through June 16 as part of a national tour to celebrate its permanant ownership by the National Portrait Gallery.]

Saturday, March 09, 2002

It's never too early to look for your next job

George W. Bush, perhaps aware that his tenure as President is limited by statute or electoral whim, is now working on his 3rd career.

On the heels of his successful business and political ventures, George is moving toward an acting career. His first starring role, in the documentary Journeys With George, premiered recently at SXSW and may be moving to wider distribution.

The President is following a slightly untraditional path, since most actor/politicians became known as actors before their political exploits. However, George can take heart that at least one really successful actor with difficulties in public speaking got his start in a documentary. Arnold Schwarzeneger's first appearance on the big screen was in the body building documentary Pumping Iron, after which he went on to roles fighting evil doers in movies such as Conan the Barbarian and Commando.

Mr. Bush may have a bright future at this. His current job is certainly giving him plenty of practice in a role with lots of action and limited dialog.
More than one kind of smart bomb

It's been a recurring theme among the US commentariat over the last 6 months that our European allies weren't contributing anything to the war effort, and thus their complaints about how we were running it were both unjustified and unwelcome.

In response to my Intellectualism post from a few days ago, reader Sylvia Rappenecker sent this example of how that argument isn't entirely true.